Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
