i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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