Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
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If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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