Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
