you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize