You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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