You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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