I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
