Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
