So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
