When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
