I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
