That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
