it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
