Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
