I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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