I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
