I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
