Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
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I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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