I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
