i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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