accomplished twins. life is a go
He passed out mid-signature
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
