i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
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What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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