Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
