just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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