i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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