Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
