If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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