i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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