I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize