Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
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I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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