Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
