dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
