There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
