Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Boobs speak an international language.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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