its not stalking. its research.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
