Screwed.edu
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
