Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
