P.S. I can't hear my feet
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
