So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
