I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
