I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
