he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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