you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
