How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
