Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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