What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
