I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
