Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
