My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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