you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
