You're so nebulous sometimes
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
