I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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