Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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