You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
