And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
