So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock